I'm in shock - vent. *update*

jea2752 Posted: 09-02-2010 10:22 AM

*Update -

Thank you all so much for your support. It turns out that I am miscarrying, it wasn't ectopic. My beta was about 50 on Tuesday, and on Friday it was 7, now I am just waiting to pass everything . I'm...coming to terms with it. At the very least, I will be able to stabilize my own health before we conceive again, and that at least is a good  thing. I really, really appreciate all of your kind words, I can't even explain how thankful I am to just talk to people who understand. Thank you all so much.

I really just need to vent, and this seems like the place to do it. I want to vent to someone who knows what I'm going through. If you have any words of advice or comfort I would appreciate them greatly.

I didn't know I could get attached to something so tiny so soon. My husband and I didn't even know if we could conceive, with all of my health issues. So we weren't TOO concerned with our slip-up around my birthday. I took a test, and it was positive. I don't think either of us stopped trembling or smiling for a whole day. I took more, mixed results - some positives, some negatives. I called the doctor, they wanted to do a blood test. My other doctor tells me I need to see an oncologist, due to abnormalities in my bloodwork. That made made me panic enough - cancer and a new pregnancy? Too much.

I started having sharp, stabbing pains. It felt - it still feels like - a knife is going straight through my pelvis.
My ob/gyn thinks it's ectopic, but if not she does not think the pregnancy is viable.
It's early, so they haven't done an ultrasound - in fact, still waiting on my beta hcg to come back. But she told me there's virtually no way I could get false positives on multiple brands (four different brands, to be honest) - and I have a rheumatological condition that makes me hyper-sensitive to hormones, my symptoms have been off the wall. Nothing close to PMS symptoms...just bloating, edema, huge tender breasts, etc. 

It hurts so badly. Physically and emotionally. I've been praying desperately to God, whispering pleas to the tiny embryo inside me, willing it to live, to stick, to grow and come out and be our baby. I know it's not possible now. But I can't stop wishing.

It's been about five days of all of this going on. How can you get attached to something so tiny, so quickly? I had one miscarriage in the hospital last year, one I was unaware of until it was happening - but it was due to a lot of strong medications and CT scans and all of that. I was barely coherent, I didn't know before hand, and it just never seemed to affect me.
This time around....I feel like someone has stolen my heart and crushed it in front of me.
I don't want surgery. I don't want to sit around, waiting to officially miscarry.
I hate hospitals. I hate doctors. I'm so sick of it all. No one ever does anything right for me. Always bad news.

And then...once they figure it all out, probably once the baby is gone...I get to go to the oncologist. Agonize over everything. Bone marrow biopsies. What icing on the cake, you know?

I'm sorry, I just wanted to vent. My husband and I...we want to be parents. We're young (I'm 21, he'll be 24 in a few weeks) but I have so many health issues, I really don't have much time. We don't have a lot of money, but we have support, and we have plans. And we have an overwhelming amount of love, an overwhelming desire to give that love, to raise beautiful little people. To sit here, helpless, as it all slips away from us...I'm almost numb. I don't even know how to feel anymore. I keep half-hoping for a miracle. But at the same time I don't want it to hurt any more than it has to...

My heart goes out to all of you, any woman who has ever experienced any sort of loss. I never understood before - I knew it was sad, it was hard, all of the objective stuff, but I had no idea it was this horrible, and again I've only known about the tiny little thing for a few days. I can't imagine the pain of it happening beyond that. My heart breaks for all of you, and I thank you for letting me vent...if this is not an appropriate space to post this please let me know and I'll delete it, I was just hoping I could find someone to commiserate with. Thank you.

dj rayne replied on 09-02-2010 10:43 AM

  I am so sorry you are going through this. You both will be in my prayers.

tmonee replied on 09-02-2010 12:55 PM

  I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.  If I could spare anyone the pain of a miscarriage I would.

Unfortunately there isn't much any of us can do but be here for you and reassure you that how you're feeling about all of this is absolutely normal.  Give yourself time to grieve.  If you do in fact lose the baby give yourself permission to cry or do whatever you need to to get through it, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I'll keep you in my prayers.   Let us know if you need us again and we'll be here, even if it's just for virtual hugs... we understand and you are not alone. 

owen1827 replied on 09-02-2010 1:53 PM

I am not trying to give you false hope, but I don't think that they should tell you that the pregnancy is not viable until you have had a series of betas done as well as a few ultrasounds.   I just experienced a m/c 2 weeks ago, but the dr would not say that the pregnancy was not viable until we had proof of it (ultrasounds showing no fetus, or one with no h/b, and a series of betas that were not rising normally)  In my case, it took 2 weeks to get a clear picture of what exactly was going on, and then 1 week after the official diagnosis of non-viable pregnancy, I started bleeding, and bled for a week.    But until he knew for sure, he would not say whether it would go one way or another. 

TeriH replied on 09-02-2010 2:02 PM

owen1827:

I am not trying to give you false hope, but I don't think that they should tell you that the pregnancy is not viable until you have had a series of betas done as well as a few ultrasounds.   I just experienced a m/c 2 weeks ago, but the dr would not say that the pregnancy was not viable until we had proof of it (ultrasounds showing no fetus, or one with no h/b, and a series of betas that were not rising normally)  In my case, it took 2 weeks to get a clear picture of what exactly was going on, and then 1 week after the official diagnosis of non-viable pregnancy, I started bleeding, and bled for a week.    But until he knew for sure, he would not say whether it would go one way or another. 

Totally agree with this - is it just the sharp pain that is causing the doctor to think that it's not viable?  The reason I ask is because sharp stabbing pains can be normal in early pregnancy - it's called round ligament pain.  I'm surprised that a doctor is using that alone to give opinions on viability.  Now, if the pain is constant and doesn't go away that could be completey different, and I admit I have no experience with ectopic pregnancies or their symptoms.

Many to you as you are going through this.  Keep talking to your baby and remember that right now you ARE pregnant. Prayers to you that you will get to carry this baby and take him/her home with you.

AngieB replied on 09-02-2010 2:13 PM

If it's an ectopic than they are doing you a serious disservice by not investigating more. There are countless women on this website who have had an ectopic and it ruptured one of their fallopian tubes, thereby making it more difficult to conceive in the future. If it is ectopic, only *more* bad things can happen by leaving it be. I think it's incredibly irresponsible for your doctor to be so nonchalant about it- go see someone else.

I'm sorry you are going through this and crossing my fingers.

jea2752 replied on 09-02-2010 5:08 PM

owen1827:

I am not trying to give you false hope, but I don't think that they should tell you that the pregnancy is not viable until you have had a series of betas done as well as a few ultrasounds.   I just experienced a m/c 2 weeks ago, but the dr would not say that the pregnancy was not viable until we had proof of it (ultrasounds showing no fetus, or one with no h/b, and a series of betas that were not rising normally)  In my case, it took 2 weeks to get a clear picture of what exactly was going on, and then 1 week after the official diagnosis of non-viable pregnancy, I started bleeding, and bled for a week.    But until he knew for sure, he would not say whether it would go one way or another. 

Thank you. The reason my dr said that is mostly because my body is really not in a great condition to grow a baby - underweight, digestive problems leading to malabsorption/malnutrition, and a few other issues. She's actually a great doctor, but I've gotten the run-around a lot in the past in regards to my health, so I told her to be as blunt and straight as possible. STILL haven't gotten my beta back but will be getting a repeat tomorrow [and *hopefully* the results from the first one]. Thank you, though - I'm still holding out hope, foolish as it may be...

jea2752 replied on 09-02-2010 5:12 PM

TeriH:

owen1827:

I am not trying to give you false hope, but I don't think that they should tell you that the pregnancy is not viable until you have had a series of betas done as well as a few ultrasounds.   I just experienced a m/c 2 weeks ago, but the dr would not say that the pregnancy was not viable until we had proof of it (ultrasounds showing no fetus, or one with no h/b, and a series of betas that were not rising normally)  In my case, it took 2 weeks to get a clear picture of what exactly was going on, and then 1 week after the official diagnosis of non-viable pregnancy, I started bleeding, and bled for a week.    But until he knew for sure, he would not say whether it would go one way or another. 

Totally agree with this - is it just the sharp pain that is causing the doctor to think that it's not viable?  The reason I ask is because sharp stabbing pains can be normal in early pregnancy - it's called round ligament pain.  I'm surprised that a doctor is using that alone to give opinions on viability.  Now, if the pain is constant and doesn't go away that could be completey different, and I admit I have no experience with ectopic pregnancies or their symptoms.

Many to you as you are going through this.  Keep talking to your baby and remember that right now you ARE pregnant. Prayers to you that you will get to carry this baby and take him/her home with you.

She's basing her assumption on viability on my other health issues - ignoring the possible cancer diagnosis, I've got a lot going on, and with the sharp pains I have and the ever-changing urine hcg results, and clot slower than most people, and a million other things, ha, she was just trying to be honest with me - I asked her to be, though. Thank you so much - "right now you ARE pregnant" ....that gave me a lot of comfort, for some reason. I've only talked to a couple people about this [hubby and a close friend] but we've been operating under the assumption that I'm not, or at least "not for very long" which sounds so morbid. I needed to hear that. Thank you so much

jea2752 replied on 09-02-2010 5:29 PM

AngieB:

If it's an ectopic than they are doing you a serious disservice by not investigating more. There are countless women on this website who have had an ectopic and it ruptured one of their fallopian tubes, thereby making it more difficult to conceive in the future. If it is ectopic, only *more* bad things can happen by leaving it be. I think it's incredibly irresponsible for your doctor to be so nonchalant about it- go see someone else.

I'm sorry you are going through this and crossing my fingers.

Thank you. In my dr's defense, she does have reasoning behind the approach. She's been with me throughout my battle with health issues and knows my medical history very well, and we've talked about ectopics in the past, when it wasn't a present concern or anything. I can't take methotrexate, so if it is ectopic, surgery is my only real option - and she's done a lap on me before so that's always good, I guess. I also have relatively bizarre issues with ultrasounds...the connective tissue in my intestines is not normal, and my t/v ultrasounds in the past were always difficult to read because of it - it's really, really hard to explain because no one has been able to tell me what it is/why it happens; actually, most doctors look at me like I'm a moron when I try to explain it, until they see it themselves, and then they're just confused.  Lucky me, I know. Anyway, due to all that we're going to do the repeat betas until mid next week, which would be about 4.5-5 weeks pregnant,  and do an ultrasound then when hopefully it will be clearer whether or not it's ectopic (also I guess the betas would show that, I guess ectopics have higher hcg than normal? I think that's what she said). But yeah. I'm an absolute horror of a patient, just because normal protocol doesn't usually work that well on me - but she does have a plan in place, and I do have her on-call number and a list of symptoms that if they occur I need to go straight to the ER and she'll meet me there.

Honestly, the sad part is, even if she WERE terribly in the wrong...I can't even imagine finding a new ob/gyn. Most doctors don't seem to be too thrilled with all of my random problems and needs, and even more of them think I'm a moron who doesn't understand anything...my ob/gyn is great in that she's always given me all the information she can, lays all the options on the table, and will refer me to anyone necessary if she can't handle whatever the issue is.

But thank you so much for your support. I really, really appreciate it...with all the crap I've been through you think I would've been prepared or even thought about something like this, but no...not at all. I'm trying to will my body to just somehow work it all out and create a healthy baby...I know that's silly, I just don't have anything else *I* can do right now other than pray and try to prove the power of positive thinking, ha. Thank you, again.

jea2752 replied on 09-02-2010 5:32 PM

Thank you all so much for your support. I can't even explain how comforting it has been to read all your responses. Not much of an update, just that I spoke with my doctor, beta hcg is not back yet but should be tomorrow, and I'm going in for a repeat tomorrow as well. Will probably do more betas next week, and will definitely be doing an ultrasound. Thank you all; your words mean more than you know.

Jo29 replied on 09-03-2010 7:33 AM

What a horrible experience you are going through, I'm so sorry.  You and your DH will be in my thoughts.  It is so important that you think in positive ways, like pp said, today you ARE pregnant.   I hope that you get some great news tomorrow, and that your biopsy comes back clean, you definintely sound like you don't need that kind of stress on top of everything else!  Keep us updated, and to you.

Jo 31 DH 38 Marlie!

rebeccas replied on 09-03-2010 7:35 PM

I'm so, so sorry you are going through this. There isn't much I can say other than be kind to yourself.