Gender Disappointment

theotherLAgirl Posted: 03-06-2010 10:45 AM

I know that this is a touchy subject, since so many here have gone through IF and would/will be thrilled with a healthy baby, no matter what the gender is.  However, I'm wondering if any of you would be willing to share your experience with wanting a baby of a particular sex and not getting it.

We tried for 22 cycles and finally resorted to Clomid to conceive this time.  I'm thrilled to be pregnant (and with twins!), and of course my main desire for this pregnancy is to come out of it with two healthy babies.  But I'm trying to prepare myself for finding out the genders because I know that if it's two boys, I'm going to be slightly disappointed.

The funny thing is, when I thought it was just one baby, I really wanted a boy.  I would love for DS to have a brother, and I just love being a boy mom.  But now that it's twins...I don't know.  It's hard to explain how I feel.  I guess I just know that this is going to be a harder experience (the pregnancy is already difficult, and I know that taking care of a 3 year old and two infants is going to be challenging), and I know there's a possibility that if we make it out of this with three children, we may be finished having babies (we always said we wanted 4, but I don't know if we'll want to go through the SIF thing again or if I'll be totally overwhelmed with three young children).  And I guess I just worry that if they're both boys, I'll never get the chance to have a daughter, which is something I've always wanted.  DH has also always wanted a daughter, and I worry that he'll feel like he's missing out on something if we don't have one.

I also worry that my family is going to be really disappointed if they're both boys.  We have tons of baby boys on both sides of the family but very few girls, and so pretty much everyone is hoping for twin girls.  I would ideally like boy/girl twins, since then I would get my original desire for DS to have a brother and also have a little girl, but I know that we don't get to pick.

I know that this is all completely ridiculous, and I honestly feel quite guilty for even worrying about this.  Of course I'm going to love these babies no matter what they are, and the idea of being "disappointed" with a healthy baby is insane.  I don't mean to come off as ungrateful for the pregnancy or as if I think having boys is a bad thing.  And I honestly have no idea why I'm bothered by this now that it's twins, since when I thought I was just having one baby I totally didn't care what gender I had.  

I guess I'm just trying to prepare myself for how I may feel in any circumstance.  I would really appreciate your input if you've been in a similar situation or understand what I'm trying to say.

Stacy (24) DH (27)

Avery Truitt - March 1, 2007

TWINS   due sometime around October 1, 2010  

22 cycles TTC#2, BFP 1/19 @ 10dpo, HCG @ 11dpo = 60, HCG @ 13dpo = 249, U/S 2/17 - TWO heartbeats!

 

AtomicMama replied on 03-06-2010 11:26 AM

I completely understand. I had five girls in a row. My first and second I felt no disappointment but  my third I cried all the way to the car. My Mom told me not to think about the boy I did not get but to focus on the girl I did. A little retail therapy fixed me right up. haha. My 4&5 girls while I was totally excited to meet them and be their Mom, I had a ting of sadness for the boy I would never get to raise. I felt like our family wasnt complete. We decided to add one more family member and I asked my husband if he wanted to try any of the gender swaying things to my surprise he didn't. The minute I got my + I was sure we were having another girl and I was shocked at how accepting I was of that. We know girls! To my shock we had a boy and that opened a whole different can of worms,my mil had huge expectations for a grandson and that has ended just horrible (that is a whole different post!)

Enjoy your twins and don't concern yourself with other peoples wishes! And when you do find out if its two boys go shopping and buy them something so you can feel like they are yours and they are awesome!

Tami replied on 03-06-2010 3:08 PM

I always thought I would have a girl first and then a boy -- so when we saw that DS 1 was a boy, I was shocked. Not disappointed, just surprised.

DS 2 - A little disappointed, for like half a day. Honestly, he was the BEST baby though. So happy and smiley. Even now at almost 11 he is pretty easy going most of the time.

DS 3 - A lot more disappointed. I did actually cry after we left the u/s.   It lasted a day, that feeling of: Oh." He's my buddy, that one.

This baby I was convinced, just SURE, that it was a girl, for many reasons. I was genuinely shocked when we saw the picture in my ticker, and right there on the u/s table I started to cry. The tears just leaked out, I could not stop them no matter how hard I tried. I was so ashamed of myself. I had sworn I was just fine with a boy and then bam. It took me awhile longer to "get over" that. Of course I was enormously thankful that he appeared to be healthy, but I really had wanted a girl.

DH was awful though. He was, to be blunt, an @ss  It's a long story, but for the rest of that day and all the next he was horrendous. He didn't talk to me. He was actually mad AT ME that it's a boy. Finally we had it out that night, and he pulled his head out of a very dark place.   I probably would have been fine sooner if HE hadn't been such a jerk.

We have both come around to the idea know. Like Atomic & girls, "we know boys". The ones we've made thus far are awfully cute, too. Sometimes they drive me nuts, but any kid does that! What's funny is that almost every time I have seen girls since, like in the grocery store or at DS's school carnival the other night , they have made me crazy! Acting badly, being obnoxious and whiny, etc etc. Now I know they probably don't always act that way, but I've just laughed at it and been glad we are having another boy. I'm sure that if we did have a girl I'd think she was perfect and adorable, but seeing them in the throes of tantrums lately has made me think - "YAY! A boy!"

I figure God knows what He's doing, and for us, boys it is. DH said once: "Well, maybe we don't have one b/c God knows we'd screw her up".

kberryttc replied on 03-06-2010 3:51 PM

I'm going to make an insane suggestion. Are you ready for it?

Don't find out the gender of either twin. Wait a minute before you start hunting me down to fit me with a straight jacket. Listen to my logic.

If you don't find out the gender, you still get to pick out 2 girl names in case it's 2 girls, you still get to pick out boy names in case it's 2 boys, and you get to pick out boy/girl names in case it's one of each. You still get to shop for a few little girl things and a couple of special little boy things too. (I have everything from my youngest in boxes in the garage. If we are having a little boy I just have to get a coming home outfit. :) but I won't know til it gets here so I still get to go shopping for a little girl) The only thing you can't do, or I guess you can closer to the due date if you keep receipts, is buy gender specific bedding and such.

The best part is...when you have those 2 precious babies in your arms you won't care if it's a boy/girl or 2 boys or 2 girls. They will be the babies you are meant to have and all the mommy emotions will shine through and you will love them and you never had to have one minute of disappointment.

Take it for what it's worth, from someone that has been there and done it. I enjoyed not knowing so much more than knowing the gender. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

Congrats on twins!!!

Malgal replied on 03-06-2010 3:59 PM

kberryttc:

 

The best part is...when you have those 2 precious babies in your arms you won't care if it's a boy/girl or 2 boys or 2 girls. They will be the babies you are meant to have and all the mommy emotions will shine through and you will love them and you never had to have one minute of disappointment.

 

Absolutely ditto this - even if you do find out the gender in advance.  And also, don't beat yourself up.  It is OK to grieve for the gender that you miss out on - it doesn't mean that you don't want your baby.  When I found out I was having a second boy, I was sad that I would never have a daughter.  This comes from the fact that I have always had a very close relationship with my mother and hoped for a similar relationship with a daughter.  But at the same time, I was thrilled to bits to be having another boy.  I still sometimes feel a bit sad that I will never have a girl but I have never, not for a moment, wished I didn't have DS2.

Erin B replied on 03-06-2010 4:00 PM

I don't really have any experience of wishing for one gender and getting the opposite...but I have a similar experience.  When I conceived my first baby, my DD, I told myself I didn't want to find out the sex because I knew if it was a boy I was going to be disappointed so I chose to wait and deliver and be surprised with hopes that I would just fall in love with the boy.  I did get my beautiful baby girl but she was born still and now not only am I grieving for her, but soooo worried I will never get my baby girl ever again.  Now that I am pregnant with this little bean I am desperate to know the sex because I desperatly need to have another baby girl.  I already know how horrbily disappointed I will be if this baby is a boy because I will be constantly be wondering and worrying I will never get my daughter I have always longed for. 

i know it sounds horrible, but I've never wanted boys and I just don't think I could love a son the way I could love a daughter.  And with the loss of her it just makes things so much more difficult.  I'm hoping that I will warm up to the idea of a little boy if that is what I am having, but if it's a girl I'm also worried I will be sooo sad that we will be replacing her sister with a new little girl.

So I know it's not the same as what you are asking for.....but it's the same issue, it's just my DD is not living and I really want another little girl not a son.  I wish I could just be happy with anything God gives us....but deep down I just can't.

Rhubarb replied on 03-06-2010 5:16 PM

I wanted all girls.  No way did I want a dirty, aggressive, destructive, short-haired, wild little snail-loving, dirty-fingernailed BOY.

And my first baby WAS my perfect little girl.  Yay!

Of course, my second child was a boy.  While I was still thrilled to have a healthy pregnancy and baby, I had no idea what I would do with a male.  I was in Babies R Us when I was about 7 months pregnant, shopping for a gift for someone else, and I just cried when I saw those little boy clothes in camouflage, with applique footballs and sarcastic slogans and bold colors.  Clearly, I was going to have to make ALL of my son's clothes myself.

Then I walked over to the toy area.  Swords.  Guns.  Balls.  Trucks.  Robots.  Cars.  :tears:  

But you know what?  I had that wild little boy, and indeed he is a stick-wielding truck lover.  He digs in the mud and would love to ride a motorcycle and touches all kinds of bugs.  He is also the sweetest, most affectionate, most mom-obsessed little snuggle bug ever.  There is nothing like your son saying, "I love you mama!"  He is the best - and I can't believe I ever didn't want a son.  

I still paint his toenails (he loves it), he gets his hair cut at the salon (I WOOK SO HANDSOME!), smells like strawberries (his sister's shampoo) and plays with dolls (he even nurses them.)  We also play trucks and wrestling.  He's so much fun.  I'm going to make sure he is polite and generous and a great little boyfriend and husband some day.  I adore him, and if you have 10 sons and no daughters, you will adore them too - just as much as girls.

I highly recommend this little book called "It's a Boy!" - it really helped me get used to the idea of being the mother of a son.

http://www.amazon.com/Its-Boy-Women-Writers-Raising/dp/1580051456/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1267917187&sr=8-6

JenniferM replied on 03-06-2010 7:24 PM

I wanted a boy this time around. I was intially slightly disappointed BUT now I am happy. Even if people are disappointed I could careless, I am just excited after 24mths I am able to feel a baby grow in me a again you will be happy in the end, try not to stress!

shellymoe replied on 03-06-2010 8:21 PM

I just wanted to give you all some 's and tell you to not be so hard on yourselves.  I know you're not disappointed with your children.  No matter what the situation, when you have your heart set on something that you don't get, it can be disheartening.

A friend's cousin got spontaneously PG with triplets (no fertility drugs) and she was pretty bummed when she learned they were all boys.  She actually cried to my friend that she was going to be up to her eyeballs in balls (and didn't realize what she was saying).  She immediately laughed through the tears!

Don't beat yourselves up and don't let the disappointment of others beat on you either.  Gender is out of our control.  Also remember, your feelings are normal (look at all the others who've BTDT) and you're going to have support for your feelings here!

nursemom09 replied on 03-07-2010 6:49 AM

I'm kind of on the other side of the fence...I actually kind of want all one gender...all girls.

I've just now started telling family and friends that I'm pregnant and have already gotten about 100 "Maybe it will be a boy! You need a boy! Hope it's a boy!!!' and I just roll my eyes.  I won't admit it to anyone b/c...I dk, I guess I feel silly wishing for another girl since I already have two.  It seems like I SHOULD want a boy to balance us out...but I just don't really care to have a boy. I've always felt that way. I dk why.  I have two sisters, so maybe that's it?  I love the idea of having all girls.  Girls are easy to me, I'm used to them, I feel like I wouldn't know what to do with a boy at all!!

I know my husband wants a boy so bad...that's why I won't dare admit that I am secretly hoping for another girl.  But deep down I am.  In the end, of COURSE all I want is a healthy baby and if it is a boy, I know 100% that I'll adore him more than I could ever imagine and it will be fun....but that's just the way I feel right now.  I just enjoy having girls and can't imagine it any other way.  I've never saw myself with a son even WAY before I ever started thinking about starting my family.

michy119 replied on 03-07-2010 7:35 AM

I agree on the idea of being a little dissapointed if it's not  the gender you want.  I have a 4 year old boy and I wanted a boy from the time I ever said I wanted children, I wanted my first born to be a boy, and I did.  As a matter of fact, ever since I peed on that stick, I knew that little child was a boy.

With this pregnancy, it was a shock.  I've been raising my DS all by myself and I swore on my life I didn't want any more kids.  I've cried for the first 3 months and now I'm in hopes it's a girl.  From the beginning of the pregnancy, I've said I have felt it's a girl.  I guess because with my boy, I had no thoughts of him ever being a girl. I was 100% sure. And I feel the same certainty with this one on it's gender.  I try to think aside and wondering if it's wishful thinking because now that I've been getting attached to it, I want a girl really bad, both families do actually.  BUT, I keep telling myself that don't get that thought too much in my head because I don't want to be dissapointed if it's a boy.  And I won't. All you can do is imagine that no matter what, it's YOUR baby, and no matter what, all your kids will be attached.  It's so beautiful to see your kids hugging each other and playing with each other. That's the way I've been feeling. I haven't even thought of boy names of how much I'm wanting a little girl, but just thinking that my DS will be hugging and loving his baby sister/brother, makes me adore my kids even more

Many hugs..

k8inva replied on 03-07-2010 9:28 AM

I'm so with you (and happy  to see so many other people who have felt this way - meaning I'm not alone!).  We found out we are having a girl at our 16wk u/s.  I never pictured myself having a girl first (or maybe even any at all) and I was absolutely devastated when I found out.  I cried all night b/c all the dreams I had conjured up in my head about my baby boy would not be happening.  I'm still not for sure it's a girl, but at the 20wk u/s, I'm going to let it all go if it also shows a girl.  I'm calling it a "she" and using the name we picked out for a girl to help me get used to the idea.

I understand the reasoning behind not finding out b/c when you have the baby in your arms, you'll love it no matter what, but I'm the type of person that needs time to get used to things.  I'd hate to have feelings of disappointment when I'm actually holding my baby.  I'd rather get them out of the way and work through them before she arrives:). 

I hope you can sort this out and feel good about whatever sexes you have in there:).  Sometimes it just takes time. 

Pantsie replied on 03-07-2010 5:25 PM

I've always wanted a girl. Mostly because I miss my mom (she's been gone 10 years now). When we went for the big ultrasound for this pregnancy and found out it was a boy, I was so frickin' excited I couldn't control myself. It really did not matter to me. Odds are good I'll never get my girl... but that's perfectly ok with me.  I love my son so much already there's no room for disappointment.

johns_angel22 replied on 03-08-2010 2:17 AM

This post deals w/ the OP's original topic, but it was mostly directed at ErinB. :)

ErinB-I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I lost a baby in the second tri, I went into labor and he was just too little, he was born alive but died right after birth in my hands. He was a little boy and when I got pg again I was still mourning and I was having a really bad attitude about this pg because I was scared, and mad and hurt. I wanted a boy just so, so bad....I was meant to raise two sons.....I was meant to raise another boy, I just know it. A boy is what I wanted and then he died, and I didn't get to raise him and hold him and love him and I just know that I was supposed to raise two. Now w/ this pg I am convinced that it is a girl. I was sooo grieved at first and was thinking horrible things like, "just my luck! Everything is so unfair. First the boy I was supposed to have is taken and then I get pg w/ a girl!" Yeah...sucky attitude, I know. Anyways, we haven't had the "big" u/s yet, but I hardly feel a need to, I know it's a girl and you know what? after having a couple weeks to grieve and get used to the idea I am thrilled to tears. I never wanted a girl, I'm a rough and tumble playing in the dirt, bug hunting, ball throwing kind of mama.......what will I do w/ a girl? I don't think it matters. I have a lot of hope on your behalf because I really feel like once you're holding your little angel, you just won't ever want to let go.

Much love to you and I hope that you can have a wonderful and happy life.

katbriil replied on 03-08-2010 7:20 AM

I'm going to go through the really short version here. I actually spent a lot of time over at in-gender after our 20wk u/s trying to get used to the idea of having a boy, and there's a whole GD forum there that really helped me.

I wanted a girl first, but I always wanted one of each. I was so disappointed that we were having a boy that at our u/s, I actually cried a little (nobody noticed, luckily - just a few quiet tears). The next day I had off of work and I actually sat at home and sobbed for about a half hour, composed myself, and cried the whole half hour drive to meet DH for lunch. I kept thinking about what a hard time my little boy would have - there are more boys in the world, so he might never find a partner; boys have a harder time in school; there were all kinds of crazy things I worried about. It didn't help that EVERYONE seemed to ask me how I felt about having a boy... When I told my mom, she said, "Are you okay with that?" and my MIL asked DH "How does the new mom feel?" - I really just wanted them to be excited, not assume that I wasn't excited, and I have no idea why they would think anything other than that I was happy - I made sure to always smile and be excited when we told people about the gender, and DH is the one who told his mom (over the phone).

I'm really coming around now to having a boy. I'm thrilled. I keep thinking about what an amazing man my DH is, and how we're going to raise our son to be even BETTER. DH and I have been together for almost 10 years, and he is perfect for me in every way. I can't imagine life without him. One day, our little boy is going to be that for a very lucky woman, and I can't wait to see him grow up. I'm REALLY glad we found out the sex of the baby now though - I really would have needed time to get used to having a boy, and I'm glad I was able to process it before he was in my arms.

The thing I'm really still struggling with is the comments from everyone. People I don't even KNOW will say things like, "OH... a boy, huh? I bet your husband is excited though." I always respond with, "We're BOTH thrilled to be having a little boy." Girlfriends of mine say things like, "Oh well... You'll just have to keep trying until you get a girl." WTF? I am tired of having to justify my excitement for a little boy, and it always reminds me of what could have been. It's really unfair of people to be that way, IMO, but I'm learning to brush it off or respond with well-directed (and mild) snark.

So yes, I totally get your feelings of gender disappointment, and yes, that's the short version of everything I was feeling in those first few days.

Sweetsmurf replied on 03-08-2010 3:29 PM

It`s not uncommon to feel this way.  As many of the other pp have pointed out.

I remember, when I was pregnant with DD, being sure I was going to get a boy, though I kept thinking it was a girl, I didn`t get my hopes up.  Not to mention, everyone, and I mean everyone seemed to think i was having a boy, myself and my mom were the only ones who kept saying girl, though my younger brother said it would be a girl because I`m the type of person who`ll do the opposite of what other people are saying just to prove them wrong.  You see, I`ve got 2 brothers, and DH is one of 3 boys, so for us, it looked like the odds were stacked against us.  Then when we found out it was a girl, we were thrilled.  DH made some comments that others thought meant he didn`t want a girl, but I knew better.  DH is completely wrapped around her little finger right now.

With this pregnancy, I keep thinking it`s a boy.  It`s of course, too early to tell, but i can`t get the thought out of my mind (I haven`t said anything to anyone about it either).  I do want a little boy.  Someone to dress up in little boy clothes and buy dump trucks for.  Actually, while I wouldn`t dress her in boys clothes, I do plan on buying trucks for DD, she seems really interested in them when she seems them outside.

I don`t know how I`ll feel if it`s another girl.  I`m sure I`ll still be happy, maybe not as happy at first as I would be if it`s a boy, but another girl would still be a blessing.  I guess I`ll deal with the feelings when they come, but I know that no matter what, once I`m holding that baby in my arms, I`ll love it as much as I love my DD.

kberryttc replied on 03-08-2010 4:39 PM

Just thought I would repost about how great it is to have that surprise at the end of a long pregnancy. Nothing says that you have to find out the gender. For many centuries, women only had old wives tales to predict the gender and they managed to clothe their little ones without benefit of ultrasound. I just think that you miss out on that little piece of wonder in the whole process of having a baby when you find out. I've done it both ways. I found out with two of my pregnancies because others wanted to know and with one pregnancy I didn't find out. I'm not finding out this time either and I expect it to be just as memorable as when my DD was born. I remember the tears of joy and I would have cried if it had been a boy too. It is just a joyous moment that you can't duplicate with any other feeling. I hope some of you that don't know the gender yet will reconsider finding out. It really is fun to get surprised.

theotherLAgirl replied on 03-08-2010 6:45 PM

kberryttc - We're seriously considering not finding out at this point.  We definitely weren't going to when we thought it was just one baby.  But then we found out we were having twins and I just felt so overwhelmed and like we had to know in order to prepare.  But I think that's what has caused some of my worries about the whole gender issue.  I talked it over with DH and I think it might be best for us to keep it a surprise.

Stacy (24) DH (27)

Avery Truitt - March 1, 2007

TWINS   due sometime around October 1, 2010  

22 cycles TTC#2, BFP 1/19 @ 10dpo, HCG @ 11dpo = 60, HCG @ 13dpo = 249, U/S 2/17 - TWO heartbeats!

 

EA77 replied on 03-08-2010 10:57 PM

for surprises!  I think it's nice to be on equal footing with the baby, discovering each other for the first time together with no preconceived expectations.  I was convinced I was having a girl last time, and was so excited to take a peek a few minutes after he was born and find out he was a little boy.  We're going for a surprise again this time, and I kind-of see it as the carrot dangling in front of me that is my bonus reward (in addition to the baby itself, of course!) for getting through labour.  

Tami replied on 03-09-2010 12:45 AM

Just speaking for myself, I don't think a surprise for us this time around would have been good. DH really had his heart set on a girl, and even though it's better now, I'm glad he got time to be disappointed and adjust *before* the baby arrived. I can't imagine dealing with gender disappointment at birth, with post-partum hormones going wacky and everything. I cried enough as it was (about DH's reaction), and that was just while pregnant.

I recognize that each family is different, though.