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Really disappointed in tcoyf forums

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StrawberryShortcake Posted: 02-27-2011 1:02 PM

I'm posting here because I am (was) trying to avoid and hopefully people on this board will have some useful comments...A few days ago I posted a "squinter" HPT on the fertility tests/tools message board to see what people thought about it. I mentioned I am trying to avoid, and even so, people started getting excited for me... when I'm not exactly excited? Well, I can't really blame them, but then a moderator posted and congratulated me on my pregnancy?!?! I wish the moderator had actually read my initial post to see that I was avoiding. I found this really insulting as NOT EVERYONE IS HAPPY TO BE PREGNANT or has supportive people around her to facilitate a pregnancy. And then they locked the thread so the few helpful people I was counting on to get responses from could no longer reply! What the heck? 

I don't even know where I'm even supposed to get support for something like this on these forums? I see "pregnancy after infertiltiy", but what about  "unplanned pregnancy while avoiding"?

I hope at least one person can relate.


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rebeccas replied on 02-27-2011 1:37 PM

FYI - Whenever a positive pregnancy test is posted in any forum, the moderators lock the thread and post a standard announcement post, regardless of the intent of the pregnancy. It is just standard procedure. You can start a sep thread here or you could post one in "Pregnancy Support." People were probably excited for you because so many of us would trade places with you in a heartbeat. But, you are right, not everyone is happy about a pregnancy. Good luck!

Cycle 1-3 here:

Current charts:

Rebecca: 31 years oldBig Smile DH: 32 years oldLaugh

TTC #1 since Jan. 2010 after 15 years on BCP.

Irregular cycles, acupuncture, one Chick (7.19.10), one Angel at 6w1d (08.23.10), 2 D&Cs, subsequent anvoluation, and onto the RE we go...

1/19/11 - diagnosed with a "subtle variant" of PCOS

2/17/10 - First Nest since July 2010 on 1500 mg of Metformin, but anov next cycle
4/9/11 - Provera, then 1st Clomid (50mg) cycle begins! Staying on 1700mg Metformin - no O
5/11 - Provera, then 100mg Clomid, 1700mg Metformin Fingers Crossed - CANCELED due to elevated estrogen and a cyst - BACK ON! Looks like I ovulated against all odds DURING AF and cyst is gone.
6/11 - No response to Clomid. About to start injectables after Provera
6/23/11 - First Gonal F (75Iu)/Ovidrel/IUI cycle begins  - CANCELED due to cysts.
6/29/11 - Ovulated right after Provera bleed AGAIN, just like in May. Cyst was a mature follicle. Now Fingers Crossed that we get lucky before starting injects/IUI.

If you're 30+, TTC#1 after loss(es), come drop by the Triple Threats for some tea & sympathy (over here...)

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CurlyBlu replied on 02-27-2011 2:14 PM

Strawberry, you have my complete support and understanding. I wasn't aware that it was policy to lock a thread after a positive pregnancy test, but I'm sorry that it upset you. I do want you to know that you are NOT alone in being upset about a pregnancy. Personally I never want kids and I would be completely devastated by a pregnancy. DH and I have discussed at great lengths what we would do should that happen and we would definitely explore ALL possibilities no matter how controversial they may be. We are still undecided about our actual course of action, but let's just say nothing is completely off the table. 

I am so very, very sorry. Please let me know if you would like me to look at your chart if you need some understanding or explanation as to what happened. I wish you peace in whatever course of action you decide to take. 


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zzdeleted6131 replied on 02-27-2011 2:22 PM

Firstly, I want to say that I am sorry you have found yourself in a situation you do not want to be in, it must be a very difficult time for you.  i hope that you will be able to find some answers soon.

Secondly, I agree that a thread entitled "accidental pregnancy whilst TTA" would be an excellent place for you, and others who find themselves in a similar situaltion can post without being judged.

I am sorry as I posted in your thread saying I was looking forward to yuor update, but I did not congratulate you.

However, in other people's defence, you only stated that you were "kind of " tring to avoid, which really doesn't outright state that you were DEFINATELY trying to avoid.  When I was a newly wed, were "kind of" tried to avoid but would have been happy for it if there had been an accident.  Maybe it was this wording that wasn't quite so clear to tell people that you WERE avoiding, if you know what I mean?

You are right tha the standard lock down comment from the moderators should be modified in some way, or alternative comments be made available.

No matter what happens, I wish you all the best.

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charleysgirl replied on 02-27-2011 3:36 PM

Hi Strawberry.  I am so sorry you are in a place of turmoil around your unexpected pregnancy.  I too had seen and followed your thread on the tests forum.  Honestly, I never got the impression from your posts that you were terribly upset about it.  You did mention that your were "kind of TTA", but not that your were outright TTA.  I think that people get so used to the common theme being infertility, TTC and people trying SO hard to get pregnant that we forget the other side of things exists.  I believe that all those responses were given in love and support, without fully understanding your position, and I hope you can find some peace with that.  This forum is definitely a good place to find more relevant support for your situation, and I know you will find it here.

I agree with the lock-down comment idea, maybe it is worth a change.  I also second Genic's idea of a Pregnant while TTA thread (if one doesn't already exist).

Good luck in your decisions, and I hope you can continue to believe in the support and good intentions this board offers. Flowers

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Alejandra27 replied on 02-27-2011 3:47 PM

Pregnancy support is a great place to post. That is where I posted my "pg and don't want to be" post and I got A LOT of support and varying suggestions/recommendations.

GL Luck

My Chart 

Baby Girl3/08 Baby Boy8/09 - TTW

MTHFR (2 copies of C677T)

Pai-1 deficiency (4G/5G)

Angel 2/9/2011 at 7 1/2 wks (missed miscarriage - baby measuring 6 1/2wks). D&C at 9 1/2 weeks [2/23/2011]

Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

 BabyFruit Ticker

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ThreePrinces replied on 02-27-2011 3:48 PM

Hi there -

I have been in your shoes before.  You wouldn't believe it now, since I have struggled with Secondary Infertility ever since; but my first son was a total surprise.  We did not intend to get pregnant and in fact I was on the BCP.  My reaction to the news that I was pregnant with him was not a good one.  I cried, and they were not tears of joy.  We had JUST gotten married and I had been looking forward to spending a few years enjoying our relationship, just us. I walked around for a bit like a zombie, bewildered that I was actually pregnant and worried about the future.  It took me a few weeks to digest and get used to the idea, and then I became excited.  That son is now nearly 10 years old and while it is embarrassing sometimes for me to be 31 years old with a 10 year old when his school teachers aren't much younger than I am, he is very loved and adored.  Anyway, I tell you this story to let you know that I understand how you are feeling.  An unexpected pregnancy can be shocking and upsetting.  You need to let yourself feel those emotions and digest the news.

In regard to the posts and comments about your thread:  I noticed that you mentioned you were TTA.  However, I think people were just trying to be supportive.  The thread closer from the Mod is standard procedure.  They lock the thread with that post every time someone has a "squinter" thread that turns out to be a true BFP, so that the person can then post their pregnancy announcement in the appropriate place.  No harm was meant by it.

I am here to talk to in case you feel so inclined; as I *do* understand how you are feeling.  Feel free to send me a message, I am always here to listen.

Good luck!

TTC (this time) since February 2008.  Long history of Secondary Infertility.

June 13, 2011:  BFP on 12dpo!  Due exactly 4 years after I began TTC.


Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is permanent.

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StrawberryShortcake replied on 02-27-2011 5:48 PM

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much for the kind words and support. I am still disappointed that threads are immediately closed after a "squinter" is confirmed. I feel it would be beneficial to most people to tie up any dialogue. I'm totally not faulting anyone for being excited for me. I know a lot of people wish they could trade places with me. I just wasn't too happy with the generalized message from the moderator and then the lock on the thread. Genic, I'm really glad you found me again as I wanted to hear more from you.

You're right. "Kind of avoiding" is really vague. I have a history of long, irregular cycles and for the longest time was led to believe that I don't ovulate. Once I started charting a year ago it showed that I DO ovulate. The purpose of charting was to predict when AF would come as the unpredictability had been difficult to deal with. Charting really helped, but only in the past few months has it hit me that, gee, since I ovulate, I could actually get pregnant. For some reason my boyfriend had this belief that pregnancy was impossible since, even if I am fertile, he probably isn't. I'm 27, he's 29 and we've been dating for 10 years and living together for 3. He figured it would have happened by now if it was going to and so wasn't worried about it (and at the same time wasn't ready for children). As I've been learning more about charting as a form of birth control, I've found it isn't so easy without his umm... cooperation. So that's the story behind "kind of".

I wasn't terribly upset at first until my boyfriend saw the darker line on the HPT and he did not have a positive response to say the least. He has lightened up a lot especially after we went to visit friends in the hospital last night to see their newborn. It looks like we're going to go along with this, but it's going to take some time to build up some excitement.

ThreePrinces: Thanks for sharing your story. It is similar to my situation in a lot of ways. We're not married, but he wants to do so... this week... (we're not religious though). I was really hoping to be able to show off an engagement ring and have a more special and romantic wedding. Too bad not everything goes as planned...


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jules76 replied on 02-28-2011 12:14 PM

Hug Just take it one day at a time. I remember being in that boat with my first and whoa it threw me for a curve!  He is the most amazing kid ever and I wouldn't trade him for all the money in the world.    But I def. remember clearly feeling overwhelmed and stress early in my pregnancy.  Give it some time to sink in.

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